Thoughts from the hidden place #1

I sometimes wish I was two persons, or could split myself into two if I wanted to. Sometimes I feel like I really need to. I loved talking to my imaginary friends like most of the kids. I still do. Only, now they include more complex characters than just friends. But that’s not exactly what I meant.

The first time I came across a truly similar idea like this was in ‘Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland’. Little Alice used to wish the same and reading her I felt like ‘that’s my girl!’. Then I read about Horcrux in Harry Potter. Not a nice way to split, in fact quite creepy and murderous. I read about the shape-shifters in Twilight. The origin of the shape-shifters was some ancient chief of the tribe who could seperate his soul from body and in some time of distress he got out of his body and flew into an woff nearby, squeezing aside the wolf’s soul most probably. Interesting but not really what I want. There was a mirror card in the ’90s anime series ‘Cardcaptor Sakura’. The master of that magical card could create a mirror image of themself, like a twin. In the story the Mirror card ended up having a little fling with her master’s elder brother who immediately found out that she’s not his kid sister. Adorable, but not up for a twin; I am very much a single child. Once I played a game called Agar.io in Facebook for a very brief period. It’s a multiplayer game where every player is a single protoplasmic cell and gains mass by eating up other cells. The game had an amazing survival strategy: when you are about to get eaten, you can split yourself into several smaller cells. Scatter, run away faster and unite later. You can hunt in pack as well, like ‘an army of me’. I stopped playing but it still fascinates me.

The ‘multiple me’ scene is generally good in heavens. There’s a Hindu god Surya (sun) who’s wife Sandhya (evening) couldn’t bear his hotness anymore (though they did have twins). So she made a proxy wife Chhaya (shadow) and went in exile to meditate and gain enough strength and tolerance. Surya had another son with Chhaya, a cool guy who became god of justice later… story for another time. There’s this Nordic god Loki and his stepmom Friga from Marvel Cinematic Universe who were amazing sorcerers and could create multiple versions of them through illusions. They could communicate with other people through those illusive versions of them. I am pretty sure they must have chatted with their own illusive selves at some point of time on what a gorgeous mess their family is. Little Alice grew up to be 19 and entered in her old wonderland once again and found out that the Hatter is not just a frigment of her imagination, rather a frigment of herself. Tarrant Hightop, the Hatter, is a crazier and muchier version of Alice who could bring out her old muchness that’s gradually sinking in the quicksand of social norms and expectations. Now that’s someone worth looking for.

See, I have these two reels running in my head. It’s like a film. One reel is me seeing the world around, and the other one is me seeing me seeing the world around. Right now I am seeing ‘me’, twitching her toes and typing on her tab, and frowning, and she just paused for a while… So whenever I sit and sulk and panic for some reason, I can exactly see this whole screen act of ‘me’ being miserable and wishing for someone to come and ask what’s wrong. And I instinctively push away anyone who comes near, sometimes by being ‘I am perfectly fine’ and sometimes by being shut. And I can see that act too.

I quite like it, because I know ‘me’ has serious trust issues. Even if she talks to those people who come and ask, she will totally shut down and let nothing from them get in, humiliating them and wasting their time and goodwill. But she can’t push me away because I am a frigment of herself. She can’t shut down from me because I am already inside. She can talk whatever she wants because I am always around. Because ‘me’ and I, I am two persons. What happens in me, stays in me. Neat, isn’t it?
At least it reminded me of so many wonderful stories…

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