I am surrounded by mountains of guilt. Guilt for everything. Guilt about everything. Guilt when I look at myself. Guilt when I look at my mother. Guilt when I think of my relatives. Guilt when I think of my friends. Guilt when I see my friends from work. Guilt when I meet my supervisor. Guilt when I remember my teacher and the note she wrote me before parting. Guilt when I scroll to the bottom of WhatsApp contacts to see someone, because it has been ages I talked to them. Guilt when I see my tanpura, hanging with dusts and webs at the corner of my room, untouched for months, my camera and my blog, lying inactive for days. Guilt when I walk by my scooty, covered with dust, standing alone below the staircase, because I never feel like getting out lately. Guilt when I pass by a fruit-vendor, because I am on my worst diet and I can’t master any will, strength or courage to go buy them following the humiliation last time. I am cheating them all. I am cheating my life. The biggest living-breathing fraud walking around…I feel guilty for even scribbling down these words in the writing pad. I could see myself writing on ‘I’..’I’..’I’…again and again, trying to artistically illustrate the classic ways of self-harm? Self-loathing? Screaming out loudest possible what a big loser I am, so no one else calls me that? Who’s there? Whom am I stopping from saying that? I don’t even care enough about anyone anymore to do things like that! I am cheating all of us. It’s just another act of seeking attention …my own attention mainly…I don’t know what I am distracting myself from, not yet. I just feel it in my bones sometimes.