Thoughts from the hidden place #2

I am surrounded by mountains of guilt. Guilt for everything. Guilt about everything. Guilt when I look at myself. Guilt when I look at my mother. Guilt when I think of my relatives. Guilt when I think of my friends. Guilt when I see my friends from work. Guilt when I meet my supervisor. Guilt when I remember my teacher and the note she wrote me before parting. Guilt when I scroll to the bottom of WhatsApp contacts to see someone, because it has been ages I talked to them. Guilt when I see my tanpura, hanging with dusts and webs at the corner of my room, untouched for months, my camera and my blog, lying inactive for days. Guilt when I walk by my scooty, covered with dust, standing alone below the staircase, because I never feel like getting out lately. Guilt when I pass by a fruit-vendor, because I am on my worst diet and I can’t master any will, strength or courage to go buy them following the humiliation last time. I am cheating them all. I am cheating my life. The biggest living-breathing fraud walking around…I feel guilty for even scribbling down these words in the writing pad. I could see myself writing on ‘I’..’I’..’I’…again and again, trying to artistically illustrate the classic ways of self-harm? Self-loathing? Screaming out loudest possible what a big loser I am, so no one else calls me that? Who’s there? Whom am I stopping from saying that? I don’t even care enough about anyone anymore to do things like that! I am cheating all of us. It’s just another act of seeking attention …my own attention mainly…I don’t know what I am distracting myself from, not yet. I just feel it in my bones sometimes.


7 thoughts on “Thoughts from the hidden place #2

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  1. I don’t want to forgive myself. That’s why I hate psychoanalysis I think if you’re guilty of something you should live with it. Get rid of it – how can you get rid of a real guilt? I think people should live with it, face up to it.
    By Orson Welles ( a great writer, director).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Absolutely! I learnt this few years ago. If one is guilty to someone, they can’t always just go to that someone and say sorry and make it right. Things can’t be undone like that always. Some guilts we can get rid of and forgive ourselves, some guilts we can’t. We live with them, face them and accept eventually with time. I know I did.

      But these thoughts are mostly a low state of mind, not some particular guilts. :/

      Liked by 1 person

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