It happened precisely 31 hours 33 minutes ago. Remember how we all have sleep-written class notes in college days? Like, we returned home, opened our copies and found out occasional ECG readings among letters and paragraphs? It was not exactly like that, as I hadn’t slept properly for days and probably weeks. So I was at my wit’s end regarding my work, exhausted and almost defeated (since it causes all other kind of stress, exhaustion, worry and procrastination in non-work personal areas like chain-reaction). It was already past midnight, I was staring at my laptop screen and thinking ‘here goes another night…’, and right then I got a text from my crush. I put the notification aside and started loitering around. It has been five months since we last talked. He’s an old friend from school, not exactly ‘friend’ friend, but definitely a ‘friend from school’. We text in gradually increasing irregular intervals. Because once the secret crush is no more secret to the crush, one must take extra care in being- not nagging, clingy, overexcited blabberdoll, and most importantly, source of unrequited attention (and not freaking out if there’s a slip!). This old one-sided thing has been twisted and toxic by its own virtue .. (or vice? nuh…) In fact, it’s not even toxic anymore. It is like those domesticated creatures whom we never pet, but don’t really mind them flying and crawling around (and sometimes eat up each other and help us enhance our photography skills). We occasionally hurt them if they bother us, but mostly we all mind our own business. This twisted familiar thing in my head keeps blinking like that. I was actually thinking of texting him lately. Should I? It’s been months. But he didn’t text either? What do I say anyway… ‘how are you’? And just then he texted again: ‘how are you?’.
I felt like replying a ‘miss you’ immediately. Do I miss him? Crush or not, he’s quite cool and decent to chat with, not among those people who are interesting until they start talking. But do I really miss him? The thing is, once upon a time he played some stupid online game on Facebook. And now every time I go there to play my stupid virtual-world game, his stupid face pops up in the ‘Game your friends play’ zone, with a ridiculously sweet smile on it. And I automatically go ‘miss you!’. And without knowing I end up having a conversation with him until my brain yells ‘STOP’. So I keep on escaping to my virtual apartments and imaginary conversations peacefully. Maybe I do miss him, but I also talk to him everyday in my head, hence I end up texting him never? But this night was different.
I was an near-insomniac mess, with a still-vivid imagination and a creatively-deprived brain (for months, really). So I pulled out a scribbling pad and started drawing the paragraph above with a blue pen: the first time in this year I felt any kind of creative rush to express, to connect. And I totally indulged that. I took three screenshots of my doodles and sent them to him (a moment I will dread and never ever remember or mention personally for the rest of my life).
Thankfully, being cool, decent and wise, he also never mentioned about it in his replies next day. Amen to that.
“Still can’t sleep, creatively-deprived and talking in my head”
–(though not a sleep-texter anymore; once is enough)
And I’m out!
(Yet I wrote a blog about it because the doodle was too cute and relatable not to share… the recreated digital one though, not the lo-res screenshots…. appreciating creativity)